I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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