just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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