This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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