I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
