so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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