Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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