Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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