conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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