We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
