what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
