She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
