I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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