I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
