Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
