I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
