I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
