Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I CAN MOONWALK!
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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