The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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