so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
the liver wants what the liver wants
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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