I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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