FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize