I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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