I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
