I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
