yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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