I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize