the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
