It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
