Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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