im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
