This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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