I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
