If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
