Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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