the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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