That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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