My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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