did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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