she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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