No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Boobs speak an international language.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
