If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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