Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
