Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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