She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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