I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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