Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
