u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
