So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
