just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
