you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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