hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
