I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
i now understand why vodka
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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