Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
