i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
