this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
