Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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