the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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