Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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