I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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