girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
