did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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