Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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