It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize
