would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
