I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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