Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
